My broken heart...

April 29th 2009 started off as a normal day I was at work keeping busy as I always do at the hospital. It was time for lunch, and to my surprise I was hungry, and like normal I had to go to the bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed there was a little blood on the paper. I froze. I could not believe it. Not knowing what to do I asked one of the other nurses on the floor who has two children, she told me to call my doctor right away. I looked all over for a quite place to make a phone call which was next to impossible. I called the office explained to them what was going on. They said everything sounds ok, and they were going to call the doctor and see what she would like to do and call me back.
So after a good cry from being scared, off to lunch I went. A few hours later I got a call from the doctor office saying they wanted me to have some lab work done. They wanted to have some of the labs drawn on Wednesday and then some more drawn on Friday in hopes that they numbers would double. I left work early that day and went down to the lab had my lab work drawn and came right home, put my feet up and relaxed. On my way home from work I called Josh to tell him what was going on. I could tell he was trying to be strong. I was not scheduled to go to work until the following Monday so I had lots of time to just relax which is what I did. It was my mom’s birthday on Friday which was good because it kept my mind off things. On Friday night I got a call from the doctor’s office saying things looked good. My numbers on Wednesday were 4400 and then on Friday they were 6800 something. They did not double but they went up which was good. They told me to call the office on Monday morning at make an appt for our first ultra sound. I was so excited to see Little Pea.
Monday morning May 4th I woke up and went to the bathroom the spotting was a different color this time more red with clots, I was scared. I finished getting ready and off I went to work. I start work at 7 am so I was just waiting for the office to open at 8 am. Once again I called the office told there the spotting had gotten worse and I needed to come in as soon as possible. So they told me they could get my in at 11am, I said I would take it. I called Josh and told him to meet me at the hospital and we could ride together to the doctor office. We went in and the ultra sound tech started the ultra sound. She could not see the baby very well so she had me use the restroom and then did an internal ultra sound. Right away we saw little Pea. I was excited, until she said she could not get a heart beat. I began to cry she looked for a long time trying to find something to give us hope that our baby was still alive. She then said she was going to have one of the Doctor’s come in and talk to use. She came in and said it could be two things, either we were not as far along as we thought we were because they baby was only measuring 6 ½ weeks and the heart has not developed, or that we had lost the baby. She wanted to order some more labs to see if those levels that they checked before were still going up. So back the hospital Josh and I went to have more lab work done. Then we drove home and waited. I crawled into bed and just cried. Josh’s mom came over to sit with me so that josh could get some sleep, because he had not slept from working the night before. Around 4 o’clock pm I got the phone call that would change our lives forever. The labs were back and the numbers were going down. We had lost the baby.
The doctor has recommended that we have a D&C which was scheduled for Tuesday.
Soon after, we got a call from the hospital to set everything up for surgery. I needed to be there at 2:30pm for surgery at 4pm the next day.




The rest of the night I just sat with Josh and cried over and over. I felt so lost and empty. My Mom came up from Holland to sit with me so that Josh could get some sleep. Tuesday morning the phone rang a little before 8 am it was Dr. G calling to see how I was doing and make sure I did not have any questions about anything that was going to happen that day. I woke up Josh and we just spent the morning together just holding each other. 2:30pm came very fast that day. We drove to the hospital checked in and they took me back to my room. I got changed and waited for the nurse to start my I.V. Then the anesthesiologist came in and went over some paper work and gave me some medicine to make me relax. A little bit before 4pm Dr. G came in and talked with us about what she was going to do and explained the surgery. Then I was taken into the operating room. I slid over on to the table. They tried to give me some medicine to make me relax but my I.V. was not working. So 4 more pokes and they finally got one in. Then I took some deep breaths and I was asleep. The next thing I knew I woke up in the recovery room. Then I was taken back to my room to recover more and Josh was waiting for me along with my Mom. Around 8 pm we headed back to my parents house so that Josh could have some dinner while I rested some more. We got ESPN and were on our way back to our house in Grand Haven. The day was very long and very hard but I am so grateful to my amazing husband who was with me every step of the way.

Ever since we have been home, I have been sleeping, crying and just not knowing what to do. I go back and forth from the bedroom to the living room. I feel empty, knowing that my baby is gone and I will never feel it again. I try to watch T.V. or a movie to get my mind off things and everything has babies on it, then I cry even more.
Around the house we have baby things baby cloths, baby toys, books about names, what to expect when you are expecting, and the new maternity cloths that we had just bought. We also had congratulation cards from people that have found out that we were expecting. One thing that is very special is something that I had wanted for a long time was the Willow tree figurine of the expected mother, which my in-laws had just given me. Every commercial on T.V. is for a Mothers day which I was looking forward to being my first mother’s day. I have been in a lot of pain from the D&C which does not help. I keeping thinking why, why did this happen to us? Why after it took us 7 months to get pregnant would we lose this baby?

~Annie~